“Well… suppose we were to be friends with benefits. How would you feel about that?” Roxanne asked him coquettishly.
“Friends with benefits?” parroted the alien. “Not that I have a lot of first-hand knowledge in the realm of friendship to begin with, but I was under the impression that people who are friends usually experience a lot of mutual benefits from their interpersonal relationships. I didn’t realize that the implied benefits of friendship were often referenced so specifically,” he finished, rolling off of Roxanne to rest on his back. Megamind tapped his perplexity to the side of his temple, furrowing his brows in the process.
Roxanne, unsure if her kidnapper was really that naïve in the workings of sexual relationships or merely testing her gullibility, propped herself up on her elbow and asked, “Are you for realz here?”
“You don’t know what ‘friends with benefits’ means? Honestly?”
“No?” Megamind replied again in the tone of a question, displaying obvious embarrassment at his lack of education in this particular area.
“Well, that’s ok,” Roxanne soothed, sliding herself so that she was now the one laying on top of the incongruously green blue villain. I may get to teach the bad boy how to be BAD… in no way is that unappealing. “Friends with benefits,” she began, peppering his face and neck with little kisses as she talked, “means that we have sex with each other, but we don’t have an actual ‘relationship,’ per se. We don’t date… we just fuck.”
“So… in this ‘friends with benefits’ situation,” the alien used air quotes, “the ‘benefits’ are the sex?” the alien clarified.
“Yes,” Roxanne replied, punctuating her answer with a lingering peck on his delicious dark blue lips. Megamind appeared to be thinking, and so she waited patiently while his massive cranium sorted through all the information she had just given him.
“So if we were to become ‘friends with benefits,’ that would imply that we would also be friends, correct?”
“I guess so.”
“Does that mean that from your point of view, we’re already friends now?”
Roxanne thought for a moment. Are we friends? She had never really bothered to mull it over before. The two of them had never exactly been on the best of terms. In many ways, though, Roxanne knew that there was more substance to whatever convoluted interaction they had shared over the years than she had experienced with almost anyone else she knew, Wayne included.
“Huh. In spite of everything that’s happened between us, I don’t think I could really call you an enemy exactly. So I suppose we are… friends. In a way.”
Megamind felt like he was experiencing an information overload. Roxanne wanted to have sex with him. Roxanne didn’t shy away from his alien body; in fact, she seemed to like it. On some level, Roxanne considered him to be her friend. In the span of only a few hours, the comfort of the blue villain’s predictable black and white universe had been obliterated. It would make about as much sense if his bed were to abruptly shift from the floor to the ceiling of his room.
Feeling self-conscious at her kidnapper’s uncharacteristic silence after her cautious admission, the reporter shifted atop him a bit and gently tapped his over-size cranium. “Hey… planet earth to Megamind. What’s going on in that big brain of yours?”
“I don’t know exactly. I’m just… trying to make some sense out of this. And I feel as if I’m failing miserably.”
“Can I do anything to help you make some sense out of it?” asked Roxanne sensually, snaking her arms back up around Megamind’s shoulders and kissing her way around his sensitive neck once again.
“That is doing nothing but distracting me. And I know I’m probably going to hate myself later for asking you to stop, but coherent thought is simply not a possibility on my end if your mouth is on me in any way, shape, or form. And your… most enticing, delicious naked body isn’t doing anything to help, either.”
The reporter sighed heavily and reluctantly moved to roll off of him. “While flattery about my body can get you everywhere with me,” she started, playfully poking his nose before resting beside him, “I might hate you now for asking me to stop. On my end, it’s been a year-long spell. And unless there’s something you aren’t telling me, you’ve had nothing but one long dry spell until today, period. I don’t understand why this is such a difficult decision for you… I thought that nerds were supposed to be obsessed with sex due to lack of exposure or something.”
The alien turned his inhuman green eyes on her, and the only word to describe them was burning. “The assumption about nerds and sex isn’t altogether wrong, Miss Ritichi. But in this instance, it is a difficult decision. This isn’t me having random sex with some anonymous woman. This is me having sex with you. And there is nothing simple or straightforward about that, as far as I’m concerned.”
A silence fell between the two that grew more awkward the longer it stretched, which it did for almost two solid minutes. Although Roxanne hadn’t a clue what to say, she felt like it was her turn. So she took a chance and decided to trust her instincts.
“Are you laying there sorting through all of the possible consequences in your head?”
“How did you know?”
“This,” she propped herself up on her elbow and waved in a circle around Megamind’s face, “is like a book. And if I were blind, I wouldn’t even need braille to be able to read it.”
“It could be amazingly fantastic… and I do mean fantastic,” Roxanne emphasized with a pointed look, “… or it could end badly. But any kind of relationship… friends, lovers, family, co-workers… there are positives and negatives in all of them. So unless you want to stay in your own little cocoon for the rest of your life, you’ve got to take a risk once in a while.”
“You’re talking to me, a supervillain, about weighing risks? Risks are my livelihood. I deal with them all the time.”
“Ok, you should know then.”
Another silence, shorter than the last, fell among them before Megamind chanced, “Do I have to decide right now… today? Or would you give me some time to think about it?”
Roxanne smiled. “I suppose I could let the genius have some additional time to work out the problem.”
“Well, this is hardly my area of expertise.”
“You’ve done just fine for yourself so far.”
“Absolutely,” Roxanne drawled with a throaty satisfaction. “Why do you think I’ve been trying to break down your admirable, but maddening willpower for the last half hour? If that was the quality of your initial efforts, I would love to see what proficiency looks like.”
Megamind blushed, clearing his throat. “Alright then. I’m going to take some time to think about it… and I guess I’ll let you know?”
“Will you be kidnapping me in the meantime?”
The villain thought for a moment, tapping his stylish goatee. “No, I don’t think so. I say we take a temporary hiatus until we figure this out. Metro Mahn might become suspicious, though…”
“The meathead?” the reporter snorted, waving dismissively, “I’ll handle him if he starts asking questions. That’ll be a piece of cake.”
The meathead, Megamind repeated in the confines of his own mind. And all this time I assumed he walked on water in her eyes. He fleetingly wondered what other incorrect assumptions he’d made over the years regarding the lines and angles of their bizarre triangle.
“I should take you home, then. Or, better yet, Minion probably should.”
“You don’t have to have Minion do it… why don’t you give the poor fish a break for once,” Roxanne suggested innocently, slowly walking her fingers up Megamind’s still exposed chest until she was leaning closely into him and petting the furry little stripe below his lip.
“Oooohhhh no you don’t, my sneaky little newswoman,” the alien chided playfully, moving quickly to get off of the bed before he lost his resolve entirely. “I know exactly what you’re trying to do.”
“Who, me?” Roxanne again feigned naivety, pretending abashment with a palm to her bosom. Megamind just looked at her pointedly before starting to retrieve his strewn clothes from the floor. “Oh, all right. You can’t blame a girl for trying.” After a beat, she suddenly burst out laughing.
“Who’d have ever thought I’d be in your bedroom trying to seduce you? I always figured if something like this happened, it would be the other way around.”
“Heh, that’s true. I’ve struggled with self-control many a time in your presence, Miss Ritchi.” Megamind talked as he dressed. Having successfully clothed himself once again, he looked futilely under strewn bed covers and other furniture for a misplaced baby seal skin boot.
“You know, you can call me Roxanne if you want,” she explained, rising with a pale blue sheet wrapped around herself. “The formality seems a little bit silly after… well, everything.”
“Oh. Well. If you want me to… Rox-anne,” the alien replied, leaning into the second syllable with waggling black eyebrows.
The reporter smiled slyly as she looked around for whatever remnants still existed of her own tattered attire. Frowning, she picked up a piece of her ripped bodice and asked her one-time captor, “Just how exactly am I going to get out of here without making Minion suspicious? Unless you were planning on telling him about this…”
“No!” Megamind cut his potential lover off without batting an eye. “He would have a fit if he knew what’s happened between us already and a full-scale conniption if he knew anything about the other…” he paused, gulping, “…arrangement… we’re considering.”
“So what’s wrong with me all of a sudden?” demanded Roxanne, hands laid on her hips in resentment. “I always thought that Minion was actually pretty fond of me.”
“Minion is extremely fond of you… that’s the problem. And he’s very protective of me,” the alien explained, finally locating the elusive boot behind his nightstand. He pulled it on as he continued, “If you think I’m worried about negative consequences… he would see disaster written all over this whole situation. He’d be afraid of both of us getting hurt.”
“Oh,” she murmured quietly. “So… what are we going to do then?”
“I’m going to give you a change of clothes, of course.” The not-so-currently evil villain walked over to his bureau and pulled out some darkly colored articles. Pointing in the general direction of his ensuite, he handed her the clothes and said, “You can change in there.”
The brunette moved to take the outstretched outfit, making sure to spark some electricity by deliberately brushing her fingers against Megamind’s in the process. Closing the door to the bathroom behind her, Roxanne satisfactorily smirked as she leaned back against it. Only then did she bother to examine the clothes Megamind had given her; unsurprisingly, they were black. A faded Black Sabbath logo adorned the top that she was sure would be way too tight across the bust. And while the reporter knew that her blue friend would swim in the sweat pants, they looked like they could at least accommodate her curves. As she moved to unfold them, a matching, lacy blue bra and pantie set fell from between them and onto the cold bathroom floor, along with a pair of mundane looking black socks. What the… where in the world did these come from? she mused internally. Wait a second… “These are mine!”
Before she could think another thought, Roxanne heard Megamind frantically knocking on the door and yelling to her from the adjoining bedroom. “Miss R… Roxanne!”
“I don’t know how in the hell you got these, mister, but you’ve got some expl…”
“I’m sure I don’t have a clue as to why you’ve picked now to start yelling at me, but save it for later. Minion’s coming… I can hear him yelling for me down the hall!”
“Shit!” Roxanne exclaimed, panic quickly overwhelming her previously bubbling anger. Wasting no more time, she cast the sheet still surrounding her aside and hurriedly dressed in the borrowed and possibly stolen garments. As per habit, the reporter paused momentarily to check her appearance in the mirror before exiting the bathroom; crisis or no crisis, her profession simply did not allow her to pass her reflection without doing a brief visual diagnostic. Yup, too tight. Roxanne fleetingly observed the shirt, shaking her head as she turned and opened the door to the bedroom. She exited just in time to see the door leading from the hallway opening and a very flustered looking Minion huffing through it. Wasn’t that locked before?
“Sir, there you are! And… Miss Ritchi?” the fish queried, clearly confused by her presence in his boss’s personal chambers. “What are you doing in here?”
She looked toward Megamind, first opening her mouth and then closing it again, hoping intently that he would meet her glance and give her some type of a signal as to how they would proceed. Instead, he seemed to have reverted to his usual villainous persona.
“Ugh, Minion, it was disgusting. Miss Ritchi had some kind of adverse reaction to the serum and vomited all over herself. And my favorite pair of gloves. I will be sending you a dry cleaning bill,” the alien informed his captive, pointing an accusatory finger in her direction.
Oh. He’s good. Roxanne easily played along with her kidnapper’s charade, narrowing her blue eyes at him and bitingly replying, “Oh yes, poor Megamind! How could I, your victim, have been so thoughtless as to inconvenience you by getting sick from some idiotic concoction that you gave to me?!”
“Precisely,” he answered her rhetorical question loftily, not missing a beat. When the second part of what she said finally registered, Megamind angrily sputtered? “Idiotic?! I can assure, my recalcitrant reporter, that I have never devised a single thing that could possibly qualify as idiotic in my li-”
“Oh, Miss Ritchi… that’s why you’re in here. I’m so very sorry!” the ichthyoid gushed, effectively quashing any possible argument that was brewing between captive and captor. Turning a disapproving eye on his surly charge, he scolded, “Sir, you are really the one who should be apologizing to Miss Ritchi… you ruined her plans for the evening and caused her to become ill!” he scolded parentally, but then added as an afterthought, “But I guess you did at least get her a change of clothes… oh, this is just awful.” The fish fluttered distraughtly in the sphere of his gorilla head, finally turning to Roxanne and patting her as gently on her shoulder as his metal hands would allow. “I’d be glad to take you home right away.”
“Thank you, Minion. At least one of you is a decent human be- um, I mean, decent… being.”
“You are quite welcome, Miss Ritchi. And again, I apologize from the bottom of my cold-blooded heart. And Sir, you and I need to have a little talk when I get back.”
“Yes mother,” Megamind snarked. Minion sent him an irritated sidelong glance as he went to help Roxanne walk from the room. “And please blindfold our victim for the journey… I don’t want our location revealed, but I also don’t want to risk her yacking on the upholstery in the invisible car from another dose of the spray.” The alien fish just glanced heavenward and shook his scaly head from side to side in the water.
“Oh, and Miss Ritchi… I’ll be in touch soon,” the supervillain said just suggestively enough for Roxanne to notice before she left his room. Briefly she made sure that Minion wouldn’t see, and then she sent her potential lover a sly smile accompanied by unmistakably burning bedroom eyes. nbsp; He had just enough time to return the gesture before the only human he had ever cared for exited into the hallway.
Sighing heavily once he was completely alone, Megamind flopped down on his now empty bed and stared at the ceiling. He casually crossed his arms behind his head to use for a pillow, trying his best to feel normal. There were many variables to navigate in this new equation of a potential sexual relationship with none other than Roxanne. Both the answers and possibilities were infinite; his vast mind had much to consider, and the alien had no way of knowing how long it would take him to sort through it all. Megamind could only hope that his recently more willing victim had the ability to be at least a little bit patient.
**EDIT: For those of you that tried to read before when there was the encoding error, I've fixed it now. Read away :-D
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